lies in the headspace

 I don't recommend reading this.  I'm not being facetious.  It's under two slides of trigger warnings for a reason.  I don't really think this should exist, and the likelihood that I'm going to delete it is pretty damn good.

Update: Well. When I wrote this piece, I initially psyched myself to post, and ran away. I fully expected that I'd come back in a few hours and indeed delete out of pure angst and self-consciousness. I did not expect to have it resonate with so many people. And I most definitely did not expect for it to facilitate a few very real and much needed conversations. Thank you, every single one of you that even read this piece. It means more than I can say ❤ And no, I am not deleting. 

(Un)comfortably numb

 

First of all, at this point, my entire page is probably a trigger warning.  But.  In case you hadn't noticed that... I write a lot about mental illness, mine, specifically. My current diagnosis is dysthymia (a lovely word, meaning I am not crazy when say that I don't ever remember not being depressed), with a heaping side of generalized anxiety, and a smattering of ptsd. To say that I am not enjoying myself, is a pretty severe understatement. So anyway, y'know, beware? Herein lie monsters? Run away while you can?

I wanna say "inspired by", but I think maybe "confronted into being" would be a tad more accurate. In any case, this was written because I both very much did and absolutely did not want to write for the prompt "comfortably numb" from @antipoetic.revolution & @marierosepoetry

well, if you really wanna know...

I kinda feel like this needed a content warning, but I can't exactly figure out for what, so you get a cover photo of a foggy field behind one of my favorite cemeteries instead.  You're welcome?  

Anyway.  

At some point this year, a switch flipped in my brain, and I sort of lost the ability to answer the question "How are you really feeling?" with any degree of subterfuge.  Granted, the answer is different day by day (sometimes minute by minute).

okay, fucking ow

This piece just exploded out of me, and real talk?  I hate it.  I do not like it.  I didn't want to write it.  I didn't want to post it.  I am not happy that it exists.  But I made a promise to myself in this last year, that I was gonna be completely honest about my mental health struggles in my writing.  So, here it is.

my body knows?

•adrift•

Trigger Warning - how are you really

First things first, Yes, this was 'inspired' by the # how are you really challenge on Instagram*  Yes, it is also posted there and intentionally untagged.  Mainly because this breaks a ton of the challenge rules, the most notable being "...offer a message of hope to others" and "avoid sharing information about harmful behaviors".

Here's the thing, and hell yes I am shouting, WE. AREN'T. ALL. IN. RECOVERY.  ...maybe the end of that sentence is 'yet', maybe it's 'again', or maybe, just maybe, it's a full sentence on it's own.  Oh.  I also broke the "make sure you're ready to talk about your mental health story" rule.  But, y'know, I got irritated,  (which, hey, is the most I've felt in the last few months, sooo yay?).  The thing is, I understand why they don't want those things.

That is exactly why there is a trigger/content warning on this post.

But I'm also not okay with the idea of silencing people until they are inspirational.  I mean, that was the whole point, right?  How are you, really?  Y'know, maybe I'm too sensitive, too keyed into this particular issue, but that, this, IS how I feel.  And this is likely the most honest I am ever going to be about it.

*if you want to know what I'm talking about, remove the spaces from the non-tagged hashtag and search for it on IG

trigger warning - secondary causes

All of my writing is personal, but this...is something else.  More abruptly honestly naked than I'm used to feeling.  I don't know if I can call it inspired, but more triggered by, the prompt "Write about the memory of hunger" from iamkyrobinson & tristamateer (intentionally not tagged, because who would want to be tagged in this?) I'm gonna be really really honest here.  I've mentioned before, I made a deal with myself when I started my writing here again to Just Post The Thing.  But this is...a lot. And I'm going to try, I am trying, but I really don't know if I can stomach leaving this up, leaving it out here.

funerals

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