•phosphoric nightmare•

•phosphoric nightmare•

i know, i know i slept last night,

but i don't know where i went

caffeinated determination breeds hyperactivity

more fuel for mania induced erratic thoughts

send. help. please.

where do i plug in to erase my internal harddrive

who can i kill to unrecord these digital dreams

i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired, i'm tired of being fucking tired

if i repeat it in a smashed mirror, will restful slumber appear?

these nightmares, they are a...little...too...real

how do i counteract this adaptive innocence, where hope

keeps creeping in like the monster under the floorboards

to ravage, bruise, and claw when i am least expecting it

nervous hands, let them wring, until the screen cracks

anxious ringtones trigger all that hyperarousal

which, i know, sounds like a fun thing

can you quick, look up, and tell me,

who in the hell thought up that terminology?

i'd like a word (but sincerely, not another one of theirs)

and while we are asking impossible questions

when will all this uncashed promise come to fruition?

too little, too late, and all of my dollars short, though...

right now it might be good enough for a fistful of change

if i can bite my lip through all these smiling lies once again

tugging, between my teeth, grinding that tender flesh

until i taste the frayed color of freshly drawn blood

strolling now with false aimlessness, down

this oddly greyscale toned lightning struck beach

i will bury all my hearts in the sand, unwittingly crushed

under the feet of tourists in the mourning light, waiting here,

for the rising storm to encase my emotions in glass

as i raise my cocktail of seawater, for one last salty drink

•   •   •   •   •   •

Lack of inspiration x writer's block + nightmares = ? This, apparently.

Spellcheck says 'aimlessness' is not a word, but I'm calling bullshit on that. Aimlessness is the keyword in the theme song of my life. It is a word if I say it is. #donttrymespellcheck 

Inspired by "Digital Dreams" from @4urnotalone and using twelve of the prompts.

Trigger Warning - how are you really

First things first, Yes, this was 'inspired' by the # how are you really challenge on Instagram*  Yes, it is also posted there and intentionally untagged.  Mainly because this breaks a ton of the challenge rules, the most notable being "...offer a message of hope to others" and "avoid sharing information about harmful behaviors".

Here's the thing, and hell yes I am shouting, WE. AREN'T. ALL. IN. RECOVERY.  ...maybe the end of that sentence is 'yet', maybe it's 'again', or maybe, just maybe, it's a full sentence on it's own.  Oh.  I also broke the "make sure you're ready to talk about your mental health story" rule.  But, y'know, I got irritated,  (which, hey, is the most I've felt in the last few months, sooo yay?).  The thing is, I understand why they don't want those things.

That is exactly why there is a trigger/content warning on this post.

But I'm also not okay with the idea of silencing people until they are inspirational.  I mean, that was the whole point, right?  How are you, really?  Y'know, maybe I'm too sensitive, too keyed into this particular issue, but that, this, IS how I feel.  And this is likely the most honest I am ever going to be about it.

*if you want to know what I'm talking about, remove the spaces from the non-tagged hashtag and search for it on IG

•new normals•

twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go

•a soundtrack to my restlessness•

ow

"Who hurt you?"
"I did."
"Why don't you stop?"

how
how do i not be me?
how do i change
everything
that i fundamentally
know
about myself
in an effort to be
healthy

just FOCUS, please

Y'know those competition cooking shows where they throw together a tag team of people who don't work well together?  And the one actually working is just trying their best to muddle along?  While the other is screaming half formed instructions because they know exactly how to do the thing but really really suck at articulating it?  And everything ends up messy and all over the place because the person on the sidelines can't explain multitasking and the person cooking can't think about what they need to do while their partner is shrieking partial sentences and demands at them?

My brain is the one frustrated and yelling from the sidelines today.  And I'm the one frozen and scattered because I can't do ALL OF THE THINGS AT ONCE.