•pick your poison•

pick my poison?

today it's nicotine and conversation

one for the nerves and one for the soul

both are medicinal, in the oddest ways

gateways and crutches

one harms and helps,

one hurts and heals

lies in the headspace

 I don't recommend reading this.  I'm not being facetious.  It's under two slides of trigger warnings for a reason.  I don't really think this should exist, and the likelihood that I'm going to delete it is pretty damn good.

Update: Well. When I wrote this piece, I initially psyched myself to post, and ran away. I fully expected that I'd come back in a few hours and indeed delete out of pure angst and self-consciousness. I did not expect to have it resonate with so many people. And I most definitely did not expect for it to facilitate a few very real and much needed conversations. Thank you, every single one of you that even read this piece. It means more than I can say ❤ And no, I am not deleting. 

•festive•

 

I think I make my therapist nervous...

 ...and that isn't helping with my anxiety.

okay, fucking ow

This piece just exploded out of me, and real talk?  I hate it.  I do not like it.  I didn't want to write it.  I didn't want to post it.  I am not happy that it exists.  But I made a promise to myself in this last year, that I was gonna be completely honest about my mental health struggles in my writing.  So, here it is.

crushed

Trigger Warning - how are you really

First things first, Yes, this was 'inspired' by the # how are you really challenge on Instagram*  Yes, it is also posted there and intentionally untagged.  Mainly because this breaks a ton of the challenge rules, the most notable being "...offer a message of hope to others" and "avoid sharing information about harmful behaviors".

Here's the thing, and hell yes I am shouting, WE. AREN'T. ALL. IN. RECOVERY.  ...maybe the end of that sentence is 'yet', maybe it's 'again', or maybe, just maybe, it's a full sentence on it's own.  Oh.  I also broke the "make sure you're ready to talk about your mental health story" rule.  But, y'know, I got irritated,  (which, hey, is the most I've felt in the last few months, sooo yay?).  The thing is, I understand why they don't want those things.

That is exactly why there is a trigger/content warning on this post.

But I'm also not okay with the idea of silencing people until they are inspirational.  I mean, that was the whole point, right?  How are you, really?  Y'know, maybe I'm too sensitive, too keyed into this particular issue, but that, this, IS how I feel.  And this is likely the most honest I am ever going to be about it.

*if you want to know what I'm talking about, remove the spaces from the non-tagged hashtag and search for it on IG

•new normals•

i'm not

Unexpected early morning arguments and unresponsive anxiety meds are not a good combination for anything.  Except angsty poetry, apparently.

what

•incompatible brain chemistry•

There is this writing challenge that I really wanted to do...but so far I have found every single prompt to be triggering.  Not because there's actually anything wrong with them, but because of where I am mentally.

trigger warning - secondary causes

All of my writing is personal, but this...is something else.  More abruptly honestly naked than I'm used to feeling.  I don't know if I can call it inspired, but more triggered by, the prompt "Write about the memory of hunger" from iamkyrobinson & tristamateer (intentionally not tagged, because who would want to be tagged in this?) I'm gonna be really really honest here.  I've mentioned before, I made a deal with myself when I started my writing here again to Just Post The Thing.  But this is...a lot. And I'm going to try, I am trying, but I really don't know if I can stomach leaving this up, leaving it out here.

•a soundtrack to my restlessness•

wait for it

•static•

too much noise

too much quiet

overloaded opinions

unsteady climate

all these comments

all these fears

cracked the case

switch the gears

a flurry in the world

a storm in my head

society in turmoil

heart full of dread

when you can't breathe

Just because it's 'all in my head' doesn't mean it's not real.  Doesn't mean it doesn't feel real.  Doesn't mean it doesn't affect my mind and body as real.  The important part of panic attack is "attack", just like the important part of mental illness is "illness". 

box of fears

if

somewhere, anywhere

echoes of emotion
like gentle waves
on sun dappled shores
irritate as sand does
in unwanted crevices
a wafting scent of sadness
soft songs of longing
and a building need
 to
  just
  g o

Fight Fire With Words, day 1

As you may know, the incomparable Fleassy Malay is putting on an event with the goal of raising funds to help with the bushfires that are ravaging parts of Australia right now.

Part of this event involves a writing challenge with daily prompts, and, well, here is my entry for day one.

It isn't exactly what I'd intended to write, but any writer knows that very often the words do what the words want.

Please consider donating to either of these very worthy charities:
www.wires.org.au
https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-thirsty-koalas-devastated-by-recent-fires

Check out the event page:
https://facebook.com/events/2198352437140522

You can still join the symposium here:
https://coursecraft.net/courses/z9ZMb