...help?

 

Is this considered baiting? I think it's baiting. I probably ought to be sorry.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Cat. Why.

 I don't think this is a poem.  And I'm pretending that the accidental rhyming doesn't bother me.  And that I don't feel like I need to go back and make the whole thing rhyme now.

How's everybody else's day going?  Anybody know how to get a cat off a roof?  Do I need to put on a poodle skirt and petticoat, pick up my heavyass handset landline phone and call some firemen from 1952?  Is that a thing?

•Well?•

 

So, I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to do for this prompt. I had a couple of ideas, and I have another piece rattling around in my head that, I think, probably fits better.  But, it's a heavy one, and I'm not up for maudlin tonight.  "But Mel" you ask, "isn't this also kind of maudlin?" Nope. This is me, letting go of something while I still can.

P.S. "Exercising" is not a typo. Trust me, when I say, I meant it that way 😉😈

Partially inspired by the prompt "It's Behind You" from @warriorsquill

•phosphoric nightmare•

•phosphoric nightmare•

i know, i know i slept last night,

but i don't know where i went

caffeinated determination breeds hyperactivity

more fuel for mania induced erratic thoughts

send. help. please.

where do i plug in to erase my internal harddrive

who can i kill to unrecord these digital dreams

i'm tired i'm tired i'm tired, i'm tired of being fucking tired

if i repeat it in a smashed mirror, will restful slumber appear?

these nightmares, they are a...little...too...real

how do i counteract this adaptive innocence, where hope

keeps creeping in like the monster under the floorboards

to ravage, bruise, and claw when i am least expecting it

nervous hands, let them wring, until the screen cracks

anxious ringtones trigger all that hyperarousal

which, i know, sounds like a fun thing

can you quick, look up, and tell me,

who in the hell thought up that terminology?

i'd like a word (but sincerely, not another one of theirs)

and while we are asking impossible questions

when will all this uncashed promise come to fruition?

too little, too late, and all of my dollars short, though...

right now it might be good enough for a fistful of change

if i can bite my lip through all these smiling lies once again

tugging, between my teeth, grinding that tender flesh

until i taste the frayed color of freshly drawn blood

strolling now with false aimlessness, down

this oddly greyscale toned lightning struck beach

i will bury all my hearts in the sand, unwittingly crushed

under the feet of tourists in the mourning light, waiting here,

for the rising storm to encase my emotions in glass

as i raise my cocktail of seawater, for one last salty drink

•   •   •   •   •   •

Lack of inspiration x writer's block + nightmares = ? This, apparently.

Spellcheck says 'aimlessness' is not a word, but I'm calling bullshit on that. Aimlessness is the keyword in the theme song of my life. It is a word if I say it is. #donttrymespellcheck 

Inspired by "Digital Dreams" from @4urnotalone and using twelve of the prompts.

~•fate•~

 

This went in a completely different direction than I was expecting, but, um....yeah. 😐🤷

Inspired by the @antipoetic.revolution phrase prompt:

"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well." 

–Sylvia Plath

more (time)

 

Today is (would have been? I never know how to phrase that..) my mom's birthday. And I'm giving myself permission to be sad, or nostalgic, or whatever it is that I need to feel. Do me a favor, if you're reading this, do something good for yourself today? Anything. Just something you really enjoy.

starve

starve

it's an interesting word
i've been feeling it these past couple years
i've written about it before
my issues with food vs depression vs poverty
we are all so touch starved from
this fucking pandemic
that i'm not entirely sure we can heal from it

starve

i've watched
the ever increasing food lines on the news
but i have also lived them this year
i wrote a funny piece about it, i didn't post it
because i realized it's not really safe
to find humor in things like that right now
maybe not ever
because i would never want to give
anyone an excuse, more than they already have,
to talk about how the "less fortunate"
are just asking for a handout they don't need
that we don't need?

starve

this morning i'm watching live feed
from the US House trying,
and maybe succeeding?
who knows
to mete out punishment
so far due that it ain't funny

starve

sitting here listening
and battling anxiety to do it
and what do i hear,
while i'm having my breakfast
of food pantry leftovers?
but one of our US house representatives
use the word "starve"
talking about political donations
about how big companies have finally
committed to starving them of donations
y'know, i'm well aware that
"our" politicians are really really far removed
from the actual people, but
that was a kick in the teeth
i just did not need this morning

starve

bitch, you don't know the meaning of the word

(link to spoken word version)

•things that I had almost forgotten•

 

This is....softer...than I feel on most days lately, and I don't think it is quite what this prompt was going for. But the Universe is speaking in interesting ways of late, and I think I needed the reminder.

For the prompt "sticks and stones" from @warriorsquill on instagram

XVI The Tower

 

I've been thinking a lot of about politics, and tarot. Not at all related, really, just what's been on my mind. In tarot there are a few cards that everyone always freaks out about. The tower, being one. And it is, it's a rough card, because no matter how you try to soften that blow, it still signifies catastrophic change. But the thing is, I think sometimes you need to see that, the flames, and that tilt that seems so wrong, because it IS eye opening. It's harder to keep pretending that nothing is wrong. Everything is, of course, open to interpretation. But what it boils down to is, you can either ignore the message, or start the work that needs doing.

thrive (tanka)

 

•freak•

 

Fun fact:  That brain line? It came straight from a conversation with my therapist. And I have been dying to use it in something 🤷😂

📷: canva

Why

 

.

 

*~mystery~*

 A short piece written during a live flash prompt: 10 words (know, the, amontillado, echo, lightning, confusion, mystery*, skin, chamber, which) from Edgar Allen Poe.  I think I might expand on it one at some point..

*aaaand I just realized that when I switched a line at the last minute, I screwed up and deleted one vital word.  Where did it go? Truly it is a MYSTERY🙄😒

•merry and bright and hungry•

So, funny story...when my dad died several years back, I was sick as hell. Worst case of flu I had ever had. I couldn't cry. Because if I even got the least little bit teary, I literally couldn't breathe. And with my family, well, gallows humor is definitely not off the table. Were we at one point sitting in the car in the funeral home parking lot cracking jokes about necromancy?  Maybe. And if that did happen has it become a kinda fucked up running Zombie Dad narrative in the years since? Yeah, seems reasonable.

Merry Xmas & Season's Eatings Y'all 😉😈😏

click for bonus spoken word version

 

fear of heights

There's probably a pretty telling metaphor somewhere in here 🤷

 

•pick your poison•

pick my poison?

today it's nicotine and conversation

one for the nerves and one for the soul

both are medicinal, in the oddest ways

gateways and crutches

one harms and helps,

one hurts and heals

•festive•

 

seasonal depression in truth

 I want to say Happy Autumn Equinox & Blessed Mabon, but that's not where my head is right now. So, I guess you get this instead. Sorry..

things i didn't intend to write today

 just got the news/that my uncle died last night/and i don't know how to feel/i want to feel shocked/because the/circumstances/are/weird/i want to feel sad/but the relationship was/largely/nonexistent/i want to worry about my aunt/my only aunt left/on my mother's side/but we don't see/eye to eye to eye to eye/and i don't know/if i care/because i'm supposed to/because i remember her from/before/religion and trumpism/ate her brain like a starving zombie/i don't know/if i care/because the blood in my veins/and the roots of my tree/and the echoes of my maternal line/says that to be a good granddaughter/a good daughter/a good niece/a good woman/a good person/that i SHOULD care/but i have lived my life with the knowledge/that 'should'/is/a curse word/and i don't know i don't know i don't know/how i'm supposed to FEEL/because the depression makes me numb/and the anxiety says/that it/doesn't/and/DOES/matter/and i don't know which voice/to/LISTEN/to

–and i don't think this is a poem, but i don't know wtf it *is*

okay, fucking ow

This piece just exploded out of me, and real talk?  I hate it.  I do not like it.  I didn't want to write it.  I didn't want to post it.  I am not happy that it exists.  But I made a promise to myself in this last year, that I was gonna be completely honest about my mental health struggles in my writing.  So, here it is.