giving in to compulsion

 

I spent a lot of the day yesterday thinking that I probably ought to just stop posting, stop writing, just stop, until at least after the holidays. This isolated existence and the chaos in my brain don't mesh well with how December makes me feel.  ....I don't know how to end this comment, caption, thing, because I'm incredibly conflicted and writing this piece definitely did not help. Good idea, bad idea, no ideas, idk.

okay, fucking ow

This piece just exploded out of me, and real talk?  I hate it.  I do not like it.  I didn't want to write it.  I didn't want to post it.  I am not happy that it exists.  But I made a promise to myself in this last year, that I was gonna be completely honest about my mental health struggles in my writing.  So, here it is.

my body knows?

•phobia•

•incompatible brain chemistry•

There is this writing challenge that I really wanted to do...but so far I have found every single prompt to be triggering.  Not because there's actually anything wrong with them, but because of where I am mentally.

•a soundtrack to my restlessness•

when you can't breathe

Just because it's 'all in my head' doesn't mean it's not real.  Doesn't mean it doesn't feel real.  Doesn't mean it doesn't affect my mind and body as real.  The important part of panic attack is "attack", just like the important part of mental illness is "illness". 

spiralling

dichotomy

.contrary.

just FOCUS, please

Y'know those competition cooking shows where they throw together a tag team of people who don't work well together?  And the one actually working is just trying their best to muddle along?  While the other is screaming half formed instructions because they know exactly how to do the thing but really really suck at articulating it?  And everything ends up messy and all over the place because the person on the sidelines can't explain multitasking and the person cooking can't think about what they need to do while their partner is shrieking partial sentences and demands at them?

My brain is the one frustrated and yelling from the sidelines today.  And I'm the one frozen and scattered because I can't do ALL OF THE THINGS AT ONCE.