.contrary.

ow

"Who hurt you?"
"I did."
"Why don't you stop?"

how
how do i not be me?
how do i change
everything
that i fundamentally
know
about myself
in an effort to be
healthy

just FOCUS, please

Y'know those competition cooking shows where they throw together a tag team of people who don't work well together?  And the one actually working is just trying their best to muddle along?  While the other is screaming half formed instructions because they know exactly how to do the thing but really really suck at articulating it?  And everything ends up messy and all over the place because the person on the sidelines can't explain multitasking and the person cooking can't think about what they need to do while their partner is shrieking partial sentences and demands at them?

My brain is the one frustrated and yelling from the sidelines today.  And I'm the one frozen and scattered because I can't do ALL OF THE THINGS AT ONCE.

i don't know

how long

        if every loss
        leaves a hole
        how long before
        there's not enough
              left
        to hold together?

how are you

okay.

Y'ever have one of those days/weeks/lifetimes when you are feeling so stressed and overwhelmed and alone that it kind of plateaus into some sort of bizarre false zen and everything is just seriously really FINE?  Yeah.  About that.

moar words?

When you realize you've accidentally done the first two days of a challenge without meaning to.  Albeit in sort of the wrong way...